Where do you picture your child in 20, 30, 40 years? In a house of their own, happily married, with a successful career? Or still living at home with you, depending on you for their every need? I’m sure that most parents would hope that their child would grow up to be an independent, responsible adult caring for themselves and their families. We have to realize that much of their life as adults depends on how we raise them from the very beginning.
Most people, by now, have heard about the big college admissions scandal that has been in the news recently. At least 50 people were arrested for either giving or receiving bribes for the children of very wealthy parents to be admitted to prestigious universities, without being qualified. They were being admitted to the rowing team, for example, without ever rowing a day in their lives! These parents were clearly trying to “do too much” for their children, some who even commented that they never really wanted to go to college in the first place.
Of course as moms, we naturally want to do whatever we can to guide our children and to have them succeed in life. But, we have to be careful that we aren’t hindering their own growth in the process. I see many lessons that can be learned here – many reasons why we shouldn’t do too much for our children:
Children need to learn the value of hard work
When I look at the college admissions scandal, I think about all of the other children who worked their butts off for admission to these prestigious universities, who have to sit next to children who were “gifted” a seat because their parents paid for it. Or, the thought of those children who were qualified, but were denied admission because of these “paid for” admissions in their place. It’s a shame. These parents took away their children’s work ethic. Children need to learn that they need to work hard in life for the things that they want. If we just give them things time after time, without earning it, they grow up believing that’s the way that the world works – when indeed it is not. In our house, our older 4 children each have their own daily responsibilities. If their daily responsibilities aren’t done, they know that they don’t get to do the things that they enjoy (use technology, play with toys, etc.). Their number one job right now is school, and if they don’t do their best, they don’t earn the things that they enjoy.
Children need to learn how to speak for themselves
I have had to teach this lesson to my oldest daughter a few times. While she is a very responsible student, she can also be very shy when it comes to speaking up for herself. There have been times in her middle school career that she felt she was unfairly graded or wanted to re-take a test or quiz, but didn’t want to say anything. In her 6th grade year, I admit that I helped by e-mailing her teachers once or twice, but by her 8th grade year, she was doing it all herself! I think there is a lot of value in children learning to speak for themselves. If we always speak up for them, they will enter the world as adults and will just be passed by if they have no voice or want to wait for mommy to speak up for them. (As an aside, I had to speak up for my 5 year-old yesterday on the playground because another child was calling her “small” and a “cry baby”. I HAD to step in – she’s only 5!)
Children need to learn from their mistakes
As a parents, it’s important for us to allow children to make mistakes. I know it sounds crazy – we are supposed to be there to guide them in the right direction. But, sometimes, it’s OK for us to allow them to make mistakes, as long as they will learn from them. If my children forget their homework or a project at home that is due, they know that I will not go back home to get it for them. They have to explain it to their teacher, and ask if they can turn it in late the following day. They are responsible for any repercussions that come up as a result of that. If they decide to wear shorts when it’s cold outside and I already told them it’s cold – we don’t turn around and go back home to change because they’re now cold. There are many other examples that I can give, but in short, it’s important for us as parents to allow our children to make decisions on their own (within reason, of course) and, if it was the wrong decision, to learn from it. If we wait until they are adults before they make their first true mistake, those mistakes can be pretty costly (money, time, even jail!). It’s better to allow the mistakes and the lessons from those mistakes when they are younger, and they are less costly.
It takes the burden off of us as parents
By allowing my children to make their own decisions, and not hovering as a “helicopter parent”, I have less things that I have to worry about on a daily basis. Don’t get me wrong – if there’s a major decision to be made, I help to guide it. But if it’s something that does not need my input, I allow them to decide. One less thing on my to do list, one less thing to stress about, and I’m helping to raise more responsible children! It’s a win-win!
We as parents need to practice the art of letting go. We need to think of the important role that we have as parents – the role of raising responsible adults who will run our country in the future. I don’t know about you, but I want to rest assured that my future will be in good hands, not in the hands of adults who feel they can only get by with a “hand out”, who can’t speak for themselves, or who have never been allowed to make a mistake in their life. It starts with us as parents, guiding them in the right direction, but also giving them the freedom of choice.
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