In the past few weeks, I’ve hugged and cried with too many moms who announced to me that their families are facing divorce. It’s heartbreaking for me as a Pediatrician to walk with these families from the exciting newborn period with their babies, into this new, devastating reality. Some situations are for the best, but some just lead the parents and children into an uncertain, unknown place. Sometimes it happens in our own families. Sometimes it’s a family that’s close to us. No matter the situation, if there are kids involved, divorce can affect every aspect of their lives. So, it’s important to keep a few things in mind when helping kids cope with divorce.
The good, the bad, the ugly
I’ll start with two illustrations:
I know a family very well, where the parents have been divorced for several years. They can’t agree on anything. In fact, the court usually has to decide on what it feels is in the best interest of the children. It’s as if neither parent will agree to something just because they don’t want to appear to be on the same page as – without thinking about what’s best for the child. The parents still can’t sit in the same room for any length of time without yelling, being hostile, insulting, and cursing at each other. This is all in front of the kids, who in turn, yell and curse at their parents. The kids also struggle with anxiety and depression and are doing poorly in school.
In another divorced family, the parents are able to actually talk things out. They’re proactive in addressing any issues that may come up concerning their child as a result of their divorce. They want to know the signs to look for. These parents can sit in the same room, have a reasonable, adult conversation, and come to an agreement on the best decision for their child. They effectively co-parent without getting their individual feelings involved. As a result, their child is very well-adapted. She’s excited to go to both parents’ homes. She’s happy, healthy, respectful, doing well in school, and very well-behaved.
It’s all up to the parents
Divorce has the potential to have devastating effects on everyone involved. But it doesn’t always have to. We have to realize that as parents, we’re raising the future. We’re responsible for shaping the future leaders of our society. So, which child from the two situations above would you prefer to have as an adult, out in society?
Here are a few ways to make this tough situation a little easier on the kids:
Be honest with your child
The way that you tell your children about divorce, and how much you tell them, really depends on how old and mature they are. I am a divorcee, and my children were 1 and 4 when my ex-husband and I divorced. At their ages, there wasn’t much explanation required, except that they would be staying with mommy and visiting daddy every other weekend. As they’ve gotten older, my son has asked why his dad and I aren’t together. I’ve explained to him that things happened that caused us to not agree on things anymore. We don’t have to live together in order to both be their parents.
Your children may require more or less explanation. They may ask more questions. I highly recommend that you spare them the details of the break up. Never lie to them, but they don’t need to know every detail, especially if it will skew their view of one parent.
It’s helpful to have both parents present when the children are being told about the divorce. That way, you can both hold back the urge of placing blame on the other person. It’s most helpful to just let your kids know that you both have come to this decision together. Of course, the discussion may vary depending on the situation.
If abuse is involved in any way, then it’s best to be clear with your children that the divorce is happening to keep you all safe.
Let your child know the plan
Before you let your children know, it’s best to have a plan. The two of you should talk about what the arrangement will be for your child’s care and for visitation. Decide how you’ll split your time, so that you can let your child know the plan when you break the news to them. You don’t want to leave them confused and with tons of questions after you let them know about the divorce. It’s heartbreaking enough, so at least give them something to hold on to. If your kids are old enough, let them have some input on the future arrangements, too.
Keep your child’s best interest #1
When you’re going through a divorce, it’s easy to get wrapped up in your own feelings, and in the negative feelings you have towards your ex. But, you have to keep in mind that even though you’ll be moving on to live separate lives, you still have something that you’ll have to come together on – your children. Keep your emotions towards your ex out of decisions relating to your kids. Always keep your kids’ best interest as the #1 priority. Don’t disagree with something just because your ex came up with the idea. Don’t disagree with it because it will benefit your ex. Please don’t be difficult just because. Continue to raise your children the same way you would if you were still together. Children whose parents can effectively co-parent fare a whole lot better in the end.
Avoid heated discussions
I think this is the worst thing you can do in a divorce when children are involved. Fighting in front of your kids creates a high chance that they’ll imitate the behavior, and will end up with long-term negative effects on their mental health. We try to teach our kids about self control, and we have to set a good example for them, even in a tough situation like this.
If you and your spouse can’t seem to agree on anything, and can’t seem to resist the urge to argue when you’re in the same room, then I recommend avoiding each other at all costs – especially in front of the kids. I’ve heard lots of nasty things come out when parents argue – some things that the kids (and I!) shouldn’t know. So, it’s best to avoid this. If you can’t talk to each other, e-mail instead. If you can’t sit in the same room, don’t. There will be times when talking things out is a must, and you absolutely have to be in the same room. In that case, have some type of a mediator present. Remember what you tell your kids: If you don’t have anything nice to say, just don’t say anything!
Don’t get your kids caught in the middle
Don’t force your kids to have to choose between one parent or the other. Your children should never hear you talk bad about the other parent. Don’t pass messages from one parent to the other through your children. Don’t try to interrogate your kids to get information about your ex’s new life. Keep adult issues between adults. Let your kids just be kids!
Keep daily activities/routines the same
Divorce is hard enough. What’s worse is when children have to be completely uprooted from their regular, everyday life outside of the house. This is unavoidable if you have to move to a different city or state. But, if your kids are able to stay local, it’s best that they stay at the same school, with the same friends, and activities. Just like you, they’ll need a support system they can rely on to get through this difficult time.
If they do have to move, encourage them to stay in touch with old friends and to make new ones. Find local activities or sports teams for them to get involved with. Things that are similar to those they loved back at home.
Two Homes and Living With Mom and Living With Dad are two great books for young children, to help them cope with their new arrangement.
Seek therapy
Keep the lines of communication open between you and your kids. Let them know they can always come and talk to you about any and everything, even if it has to do with your divorce. Don’t downplay any of their feelings.
There may be times, though, that your kids may not feel as comfortable talking to you about their feelings towards the divorce. Just because they aren’t saying it, doesn’t mean they aren’t feeling it. It may be a good idea to have a therapist on hand to help with this, especially if you’re starting to notice any behavior changes or changes at school. Watch for anger, aggression, decreased appetite, mood changes, failing grades, lack of interest in activities they used to love, regressing in behavior, and sleep problems. They may not know how to verbalize their hurt – they’ll likely show it through their behavior instead.
The comfortable place your child called home has been disrupted. One parent will no longer be in the house. Your child may feel torn. They don’t know how to divide their loyalty between two parents they love, who may no longer love each other. They may feel that they’re partially to blame for the break up, or that you’re to blame. It’s important for them to have an outlet, a place to be able to express all of this, and to learn ways to cope.
Besides your kids, it’s a huge adjustment for the parents as well. Whatever has caused the break up may still be bothering you emotionally. You may need help coping with no longer having your spouse around. You still have to function as a parent, you still have to work, and the stress can really add up. So, reach out for professional help if you need it yourself.
Rely on your village
Divorce can be tough on you and your kids emotionally as well as practically. Without both parents in the home at one time, you’re responsible for more. Reach out to family and friends to help pick up some of the slack. Don’t burn yourself out. You may need help shuffling your kids around to school and their activities if your ex won’t be close by. You may need a back-up plan for childcare. Take advantage of a babysitter for a night out, a massage, to get your hair or nails done, or to just run some errands.
As a mom, you have to remember to take care of yourself, so you can take care of your children. Get enough rest, eat a balanced diet, exercise, spend time with friends, and do things you love. Find time for yourself. Don’t feel like you have to do everything on your own. Having other friends and family members around will also surround your child with love, during a time that they need it the most. You, of course, love on them as much as you can, but you can only provide so much.
Keep both parents involved and on the same page
If both parents have had an active role with raising the children during marriage, then it’s important they both stay involved after divorce. Children can benefit from being raised by both mom and dad, even if that happens in two separate homes. So, set up a plan to make sure this happens. It’s important that rules, chores, and routines are the same in both homes. You don’t want to have to “reset” your children each time they come back to you. Kids are also more comfortable when their routines stay the same and they know what to expect.
Of course, it’s natural to treat your kids extra-special because they’re going through a tough time. Spend one-on-one time with them as much as you can. But, please don’t spoil them or relax rules or consequences for bad behavior. Allowing them to do whatever they want can also have negative effects in the long run. So, make sure both parents are on the same page with this.
If there is abuse involved in any way, then, of course, you should follow what the court dictates about that parent’s involvement with the children. In my opinion, an abusive parent being able to see their child is a “privilege”, and is no longer a right.
No divorce situation is ever going to be perfect or easy. But, hopefully the tips I’ve mentioned can be a starting place for helping your kids cope with divorce. Please feel free to share with any families you know that may be going through this tough time. Please leave your thoughts or questions below.
You can find a helpful printable of Divorce Coping Tips for Kids in my Resource Library. Get access below!
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