Can You Be An Independent Married Woman?

A lot of women cringe at the thought of giving up their independence for marriage. It’s a pretty controversial topic, and one that leads so many to stay single. Can you be an independent married woman?

As women in the world today, we’re bombarded by messages of “woman power” and the fact that we should be “independent women”. Remember the song “Independent Women” by Destiny’s Child (used to be my jam back in high school!)? The reality is that women are much more independent nowadays than we were even a few decades ago.

These independent thoughts and lifestyles have really affected the institution of marriage in our country. The “I don’t need a man” ideology forces a lot of women away. In order to be a married woman, in a truly fulfilling marriage, some degree of independence has to be given up.

(Side note: The same goes for men too, but I’m talking to women here!)

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about strong, independent women. Even God wanted us to be independent, to be our own person to some extent. Take the Proverbs 31 woman, for example. She had her own business, took care of her family, and was still a good wife to her husband. But, the Bible also encourages a husband and wife to become “one flesh” – to function as a unit. Speaking from experience, things just work better that way.

For so many years, I thrived as an independent female. I was able to make selfish decisions – I did whatever I felt would give me the best outcome personally and professionally. Things changed once I married my current husband, things changed. I had to learn (and am still learning) that being married involves sacrifice and the consideration of another human being. I valued my independence, but I’ve learned to value my marriage just as much.

Sacrifice – an act of giving up something valued for the sake of something else regarded as more important or worthy

These are ways I’ve sacrificed some of my independence:

Time

Being married has changed the way I spend my time – and this is all by choice. I used to spend the majority of my time alone when I was single. Now, I still have some independent time alone, and time with friends and family, but I love the time that I spend together with my husband. It helps me to stay connected to him, to get to know him on a deeper level. He’s my best friend and the person I plan to spend the rest of my life with (hopefully, a whole lot more time!). So, I’m OK with sacrificing the time I need to invest in “us”. It doesn’t even seem like a sacrifice when I’m with him!

Finances

I’m a full-time physician, and I have my own income. But, that money is no longer “all mine”. Yes, I keep a certain degree of my independence by working in a profession that I love. But, my income is pooled with my husband’s for the good of our household. Making independent financial decisions is no longer a thing. Besides, my husband and I can save more together, we can work towards retirement and our other life goals faster. It’s better for me to bounce financial ideas off on someone else so that I’m not wasting time and money in the long run. I also have another income to rely on in case something happens to mine.

This ties into major life decisions. I can no longer just decide to pick up and move to another city, or buy a new car or house. These major decisions are made alongside my husband.

Financial woes tend to be a major cause of divorce. I’ve learned that if you can work together and get rid of some of your independence when it comes to money matters, your marriage will become stronger because of it!

Interests

My husband is a HUGE football fan. I really do mean HUGE. During football season, if he isn’t physically at a game, we all know we’ll find him in front of the TV whenever a game is on. We have season tickets for our local football teams, and I’ve been a good wife, accompanying him to most of the games (even while 9 months pregnant!). I’ve learned to love football (and the food associated with it – I won’t lie). It’s exciting for me to see my husband so passionate and knowledgeable about something. I grew up watching football, but started going to games because he loved them – and I’ve even started enjoying them myself.

I sacrifice some of my independence and do things that my husband likes, even though I may not like it at first. I’ve kept my own interests, but find it helpful to have something in common to enjoy and talk about with him.

Your independence is still important

While there are some things that are non-negotiable when it comes to marriage and independence, there still needs to be a delicate balance between the two. Its important for the two of you to function as a unit, to make decisions together, and to have each other’s back. But Its also important that you don’t lose yourself in your dependence on your spouse. You still have so much to contribute to your marriage. Your husband ideally loves you for who you are and what you bring to the marriage. He fell in love with you for YOU. If you become just a carbon copy of him, you won’t be as interesting as you once were!

Continue to explore your own interests to stay excited about life, and in touch with yourself. Keep bringing new things to the table of your marriage to keep it fresh. I don’t expect you and your spouse to share a brain (though you may be able to read his mind and finish his sentences). You want to be “together” but not the “same”.

Don’t forget to take care of yourself and remember who you are. Spend time with your spouse, but finding time to spend alone is beneficial in so many ways. Also, spending time with others can give you different perspectives on life. (Here are some practical ways you can enhance your many relationships)

Always remember that one person can’t fulfill every aspect of your life or all of your needs. It’s impossible, and your spouse shouldn’t be expected to. While my husband is absolutely awesome, I still need friends and family in my life. I still need a life outside of him. It’s a huge burden on him to be expected to be my sole source of happiness and fulfillment 100% of the time. I can’t do that him.

So, can you be an independent married woman?

Fully independent? No. But, yes, you can (and should) to some degree. Maintaining some aspects of your independence is helpful to keep the marriage going, to keep yourself happy, and to keep your spouse fulfilled.

I’m a professional, working woman. I’m married to a strong man. My husband believes in me, loves me, and supports me. He wants me to be the best I can be at whatever I’m doing – in my career, in my personal interests, as a mom, and as his wife. He supports me as an individual. This makes it easier for me to compromise and sacrifice certain things for the good of our marriage. This includes some of my independence.

We’re stronger together. There are times where I don’t want to be strong and just want to be carried. And he’s there for me. But, when I need a little independence, that’s OK too. I’m willing to give up a few things, knowing that I have a life-long partner who will love and support me, and will be with me “ride or die!”

What do you think? Can you be an independent married woman? Leave me your thoughts in the comments below!

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