Dealing With Working Mom Guilt

If you’re reading this, you’re probably feeling a little guilty in your motherhood. As a busy mom, you’ve probably had your fair share of dealing with working mom guilt.

I know I have.

If you’re like me, you’ve likely felt torn between your kids and your career. Feeling like you can never give 100% to one thing. Like there’s always something competing for your attention. If you’re doing really well at being “mom”, you’re probably not being the greatest at your career. And vice versa.

Right now, over 70% of moms are working outside the home. So that means A LOT of us are likely dealing with some level of this guilt. So, how do you handle it? How do you strike a balance between being a great mom and success outside the home?

Decisions, decisions…as a working mom

My youngest kid has been sick a few times recently. He’s had a stomach virus, random fevers and viruses here and there. I’ve either had to leave work to pick him up from school early, not go in to work at all, or bring him to work with me when he’s been sick. Each choice had its plus and minuses.

Leaving work to pick him up early or staying home with him for the day made him the most comfortable. It also made me feel great as a mom. But, I couldn’t help but to worry about my patients and how the office was surviving without me. If I bring him to work with me, I can still get work done and see my patients, but I’m a bit distracted and he’s also not the most comfortable. He doesn’t have 100% of mommy’s attention – which is what he really wants when he’s sick.

Besides illnesses, there have been games and events I’ve had to miss (and felt guilty about) as a working mom. I’ve had each of my 5 kids at busy times of my life. Whether I was in undergrad, medical school, residency, or working full-time. I can’t remember a time in my motherhood where I wasn’t also busy working on my career. My kids have always craved my attention, and I’ve always tried my best to carve out time just for them.

It’s never been perfect, but here are a few things that work for me when I’m dealing with working mom guilt:

Reconnect on a regular basis

Our everyday lives can get so busy to the point that I feel like everyone’s just passing in the wind, and not really connecting. We use our trips in the car as a time to reconnect. I probe my kids about their day – even when they don’t want to answer. It helps to ask specific questions, so I don’t just get a “good” when I ask them how their day was.

Sometimes we have “picnics” in the car when we have to eat on the go, between activities. Homework can be a little stressful, but it can still be used as a time to reconnect. Same for bathtime and bedtime. Sometimes, you just have to get creative, and use even brief moments in your day to find out how your kids are doing, what they’re dealing with, what they’re learning, etc. I find that mine don’t always share with me unless I ask. 

Leave love notes

You may not always be able to spend every special moment with your kids, so love notes can come in handy. If your child has a big test, event, game or performance, leave them a quick note to let them know you remembered. Hide it in a spot that’ll be a surprise for them – on their bathroom or dresser mirror, in their lunchbox or book bag. It’ll be a sweet reminder to them that you’re thinking about them, even if you can’t be there.

Take time off from work

If you’re able to, I recommend taking time off when your kids are out of school. Even if it’s just one random day. Or, try leaving work early one day, pick your child up early from school to go out for a treat. These random moments are so helpful, so that your child can stop thinking “mommy’s always working”.

Show up at school

If your child’s school allows it, surprise him for lunch one day, volunteer in the classroom, or chaperone a field trip. My kids LOVED when I did any of these, especially when it was a surprise. Just having you present at school can really make their day. Kids love showing off their parents. (At least the young ones do!)

Be present

When you’re with your child, try to be 100% present. I know this is something I have to do better at. I get distracted by the work I bring home, housework, e-mail, social media, etc. It’s so tempting to try to “catch up” on things any free minute I get. But, on most weekdays I only see my kids awake for about an hour in the morning and 2-3 hours in the evening. THAT’S IT! When I think about it that way, it’s only fair to them for me to sacrifice those few hours to give them my undivided attention. I encourage you to do the same.

Work when the kids are asleep

To help with being more present, I’ve had to force myself to work when everyone’s asleep. That means getting up earlier than everyone else in the morning. And going to bed a little later than them at night. 

Slow down

I have to remind myself to do this on a regular basis. When we’re constantly on the go, even if we’re “together”, we’re still just going through the motions. Make a conscious effort to not always “rush” your kids off to school and “rush” them to bed every night.

Have family night

Set aside time in your schedule on a regular basis, when there’s nothing scheduled and you can do something together as a family. This could be a movie night, game night, family dinner, etc. It helps to have this time to just stay home, relax, and reconnect. We do tend to go out as a family, but some of our best memories happen right inside our home.

Let your kids stay up a little later

It can be hard to squeeze in quality time with your kids the few hours they’re awake with you. Surprise them by letting them stay up a little later one random school night. It’ll be unexpected, and they’ll think you’re the coolest mom ever!

Automate as much as you can

This is by far one of the most helpful things for me as a working mom. My dinner planning and lunchbox planning all follow a rotation, so I don’t have to really think about them. I use online grocery shopping and can just use the “buy again” feature when I’m adding things to my online cart every week. We use online and written calendars to keep everyone up to date. And my nightly and morning routines help to make things a little more efficient. Find ways to simplify your life, so that you can carve out more time to spend with your kids.

Define what success really means to you

As a working mom, I know that I can’t have it all. None of us can. I’ve never had a goal of being at home with my kids 24/7, cooking every single meal from scratch, keeping a pristine clean home, or sewing all of my kids’ clothes. While I love to do a little of each one, that’s not how I define my success in motherhood. I’ve also never planned to be the “best” or “most popular” Pediatrician in the world. I’ve had to redefine my definition of success a few times. As the years go by, my perspective just seems to change.

My goal is simply to be the best Pediatrician I can be to my patients, during the 4 days I’m in the office. To provide excellent care, while always keeping my family as a priority, being available when they need me. As a mom, my goal is to spend as much time with my children, showing them how much I love and care for them. My kids and I have our own separate lives outside of each other, and I’m OK with that. I make sure they’re surrounded by loving adults who pour into them – not just me. I can let go of some of my mommy guilt by knowing that. My ultimate success as a mom is shaping my kids into bright, compassionate, productive members of society.

Let it go!

I encourage you to go into the New Year letting go of your working mom guilt! Your kids love you, need you, and appreciate the time you’re able to spend with them. Know that you’re setting an awesome example by working hard and achieving your goals outside of motherhood. Take care of yourself and do the best you can. But know that no one area is ever going to be “perfect”. I encourage you to implement some of these tips to help get rid of that guilt!

Do you have any other tips for dealing with working mom guilt? Share them in the comments below!

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