Do your kids ever seem to push every single button you have? Believe me, being a mom truly is awesome. But it can also be frustrating, stressful, and make me straight-up lose it sometimes! I’ve had instances as a mom (more than I’m proud of) where I’ve raised my voice and gotten upset. Sometimes, it’s because the kids have made a huge mess and don’t want to clean it up. Or someone forgot to do something I asked them to do. Many times, it’s the bickering between the kids that just drives me nuts. Over the years, I’ve had to learn a few tips for staying calm as a mom – to keep my sanity and keep the peace in our house.

With five kids in our house, things can really get crazy. I remember an evening recently when we had to make it to flag football practice, dance class, gymnastics, and a National Junior Honor Society induction – all in the same evening. Talk about overwhelming! Of course, my hubby and I do our best to share the load. But most of the schedule coordination in our house ends up falling on my shoulders. This particular night, we managed to get everyone where they needed to be. But I have to admit there were times when I was short, snapped, and lost it a little. I don’t do well with rushing and stress, and they really got the best of me that night.

It’s not always easy to just smile and stay calm when the pressure is on.

I’m sure someone out there can relate.

But, why is it important to stay calm as a mom?

• Kids imitate what they see. If you want your child to be calm, you can’t just tell him how to behave – you have to show him. When you’re faced with a tough situation, your child is watching your response. He’ll likely respond the same way you do. So make your response a good one!
• Kids raised in a hostile environment (with yelling, criticisms, and put downs) are more likely to treat others the same way. These children are more likely to bully and hurt their peers. None of us wants to raise a bully, so we have to set a good example for our kids at home.
• Talking calmly to correct your child has been proven more effective than yelling, according to the American Academy of Pediatrics. When you lose your cool, you’re much less likely to get a positive change in your child’s behavior. Kids really do start to tune out yelling if that’s all they hear.
• If you have a habit of yelling or losing your cool with your child, it can actually make him afraid of you. Then, that fear will make him less likely to come to you down the road when he needs advice on an issue – especially major ones. On the other hand, if your child knows you’ve responded calmly and positively to him before, he’s more likely to be open and come to you for advice.
• Children raised by “yellers” or in a hostile environment are also more likely to have issues with anxiety and depression.

So what can you do?

As moms, we all have triggers that make us lose our cool. I know my biggest trigger is having too much on my plate at one time. Yours may be different. I don’t claim to have this all figured out, but I’ll share with you the things that help me keep my calm in the midst of the craziness (most of the time).

Ahead of time:

Plan ahead

For me, planning ahead is essential. Things like meal-planning, packing lunches, ironing, and laying out clothes the night before. These all save me time, and help prevent a time-crunch in the mornings. Having a well laid-out plan for my morning and for my day also helps. I’m all about routines. When I consistently plan ahead, and have everything prepared, I’m less stressed and much calmer. Planning ahead is essential for any busy mom who wants to stay calm!

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Ask for help

I admit that sometimes I have a really hard time with this one. For some reason, I have to be “superwoman” and try to handle it all on my own. Or I think it’s easier to just do things myself than to have to spend time explaining to someone else what needs to be done. “No one can do it the way I want it done.” Right?

Come on! I know I’m not alone!

But, I’ve realized this thinking leaves me overwhelmed, stressed out, bitter, resentful and angry. I end up feeling like I’m the only one doing everything, responsible for everything. Completely forgetting that I brought it all on myself!

We all have long task lists as working wives and moms. I recommend speaking up and reaching out to those around you to help reduce your burdens. Have the kids (and hubby!) chip in with chores. Force them to maintain their own spaces so that clean-up is a lot easier. Reach out to family members or friends nearby for help when you just need a break. We have to realize as women and moms that we just can’t do it all ourselves. And if we try to do it all, none of it will be done well. It just isn’t possible. I give you permission to ask for help!

Outsource what you can

Going along with the previous point, try outsourcing whatever you can. For me, I know there are some things that I absolutely love doing or won’t trust anyone else to do – like bath time for my younger kids, or taking them to their activities. So I won’t outsource those things. But, if you’re able to hire a cleaning service, someone to do your laundry, or any other task that you absolutely hate – do it! Minimizing your responsibilities (especially the ones you dislike) will allow you to focus more on what really matters to you. Hopefully helping you to be calmer and less stressed in the end.

Encourage better behavior in your kids

It’s amazing how much of an influence my kids’ behavior has on my mood. When they’re arguing with each other, not listening to me, and breaking the rules, I really have a hard time keeping my cool.

But, when everyone’s getting along, behaving, and just having fun together, life is so good! I can get things done, we can go places, and I can actually enjoy it all.

This isn’t always easy. To begin with, make sure your kids are clear on the rules and your expectations for their behavior. Be consistent with discipline, so they know what happens when they break a rule. Your consistency with enforcing the rules will also help their good behavior to be more consistent. (I admit, I’m not always consistent with enforcing them).

To guide behaviors, positive reinforcement works well for most kids. Reward your kids when they’re doing the right things consistently. These don’t have to be huge rewards. Even a simple compliment or praise can make a child want to repeat whatever it was that got them the praise. But, when a rule is broken, be consistent with the consequence. Kids all respond differently to different consequences. So, figure out what works best to shape your child’s behavior. For all kids, though, stay away from yelling, spanking, and insults.

Spend one-on-one time with your kids

I don’t know about yours, but my children tend to act out when they want my attention. When they’re able to get 100% of my attention (without having to compete with siblings) they tend to be better behaved. And I end up a whole lot happier. Find time in your schedule to make this happen for each of your kids – even if it’s 30 minutes, once a week. Believe me, everyone ends up benefiting!

Get enough sleep

This one isn’t always easy, depending on how old your children are, their sleep habits, and your work schedule. But, I find that the more rested I am, the better I feel in general. Just like my youngest kids, I’m much calmer and a whole lot happier when I get a good night’s sleep and a daytime nap when I can! I’m less likely to snap and get upset at the small things. I encourage you to aim for the recommended 7 hours of sleep each day – however you can get it in.

Take time for yourself

We all need an outlet. Something we enjoy. Something other than being a wife and a mom. This may be singing, dancing, reading, gardening, or creating things. Whatever it is, find time to do that thing you enjoy! I love to dance, and I find myself calmer and more self-assured on those days I’m able to fit it into my schedule. Find the time to care for yourself, focus on your own needs, and do the things you enjoy. It’ll reduce your stress and help keep you calm.

When you’re about to lose your calm:

Walk away

If you’re right in the middle of a conflict with your child (or your hubby too, for that matter), I recommend just walking away. Before you get worked up, before full-on frustration sets in, or before you start yelling and screaming – take a break. Do something else to get your mind off the situation for as long as you need to. Then, come back once you’ve calmed down. That way, you save yourself from saying something you don’t mean, and making the situation that much worse.

Personally, I know I can’t always think straight when I’m upset and in the heat of the moment. So, if I take a break, I can come back with a fresh view of the situation. I’ve learned it’s better to just wait until I’m calm enough to think and talk rationally – however long that takes.

Touch your child

No, I don’t mean to spank, grab or pinch him! When you feel yourself getting angry or frustrated, reach out and give your kid a hug, kiss, or just a simple rub on the arm. I know this isn’t the first thing you think of when your kid has worked your nerves, but imagine what would happen if you did? You may need to walk away to take a breather first. But, come back with a physical, comforting touch and eye contact with your child to help you both calm down. Your child may think you’re absolutely crazy at first, but physical touch will help both of you to calm down in the heat of the moment.

Keep calm reminders

One idea that I came across the other day is having “keep calm reminders”. Simply cut post-it notes into a specific shape (heart, star, etc) and post them wherever you need a reminder to stay calm. You can put one in every room of the house, in your car, on your desk at work – any place you find yourself losing your cool. Set a “keep calm” reminder on your phone to go off before and during your most stressful times of the day (homework time, maybe?). Just seeing these little reminders can help you keep your emotions in check, force you to take a deep breath, and calm you down when you need it the most.

Get counseling

Sometimes life can throw much more at us than we can handle alone. If you’re having a really hard time staying calm on your own, and consistently getting upset at the smallest things, get some professional help. A good counselor can help you sort out your feelings and teach coping skills to deal with the stresses that come with being a working wife and mom. Don’t be afraid or ashamed to reach out. Your mental health is just as important as your physical health!

There’s a lot of joy and beauty in motherhood. But, the reality is that it’s HARD. It’s one of the most fulfilling parts my life, but also the most unpredictable. I don’t always practice the above tips as consistently as I should. But I find that when I do, I’m usually a lot calmer and my family is happier as a result. Hopefully you can apply a few of them to your life, to help you to be a calm mom!

What works for you? What helps when you feel like you’re about to lose your cool? Share your tips in the comments below!

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