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Let’s be honest. We all want our kids to be smart. We want the kid with the straight A’s, Principal’s Honor Roll, lots of motivation, and very little effort to get their schoolwork done. But, is that always a good thing? Is raising an overachieving kid necessarily easier?

I was definitely an overachiever growing up – even though I didn’t think so at the time. And my oldest daughter now is close to being an exact replica of me. She’s a naturally smart, gifted kid. But she has the tendency to beat herself up when even one of her classes isn’t going right.

And that happened recently.

Her grades would still be acceptable to most kids and parents. But not to her. And neither me nor my husband push her, force her, or tell her she HAS to have straight A’s. She does it all herself. I don’t even check her work anymore! She’s been beating herself up over just one class this semester. And even though none of her other classes are suffering, the rest of her “life” was starting to. 

And it isn’t just her.

I talk to kids in my office regularly, who are absolutely brilliant, but struggle with anxiety or depression over school and other perceived “failures” in life. Some as young as elementary-school-age. They’re constantly worrying and stressing about their next assignment, quiz, or test. Feeling defeated when faced with a major challenge. And sometimes concerning themselves with things that are completely out of their control.

Raising an overachieving kid isn’t always easy. So, if you’re in that boat, here are a few tips to help:

Don’t be the source of their stress

Yes, you want your child to do well, and to ultimately succeed at life. But your role as a parent is to guide and support. Encourage your child, but don’t create unnecessary burdens or expectations. Celebrate when he does well. But, don’t be disappointed in him when he gets a bad grade. If he’s already beating himself up about it, he doesn’t need you to add to it.

Focus on other activities

Encourage your child to find outside interests. Something other than school. Whether it’s a sport, musical instrument, anything he has the potential to be good at or just enjoy. That way, when school isn’t going as well – or when he’s feeling burnt out – he’ll have something to take his mind off of it.

Take a “mental health break”

If your child is getting mentally or emotionally overwhelmed by school, it’s Ok for him to take a mental health day. We’re used to excusing our kids from school for physical illnesses, but sometimes their mental health needs a break and rest from school, too. Of course, you have to balance this with the additional stress that might come with missed schoolwork. But 1-2 days off can make a huge difference for your child’s stress.

Regular quiet time is also so important for your child to clear his head and re-focus. Encourage him to take regular breaks – even when he isn’t done with an assignment. It can be mentally exhausting to constantly work on something stressful without a break.

Focus on physical health

We all know how easy it is to neglect your physical health during moments of stress. But, that’s when you need to focus on it the most! I remember being in medical school and residency – studying for a major exam or working a 30-hour shift. Those were times I ate way more Wendy’s than I should’ve and definitely got very little sleep. And I suffered the consequences (poor memory, lack of energy, bad attitude, worsening stress, aches and pains, etc).

If you notice your child’s physical health is being ignored, encourage him to do better. Schedule time for meals. Encourage water breaks (to get 64+ oz per day). Fit in some physical activity and some time outside. Don’t allow schoolwork to have such a hold on his life that it keeps him up at night. Just remind him how important his physical health is in order to do well in school.

Don’t compare siblings

I know this is hard NOT to do. But, don’t compare one child’s successes or failures to another. It can lower the self-esteem of your child who isn’t doing so well. And can increase the stress and expectations that your more successful kid feels. Not to mention the sibling rivalry, jealousy, and conflict that’s created when kids feel they’re treated differently. Just don’t do it!

Instead, talk to your kids individually about their successes and failures, and be a source of encouragement, as I mentioned before.

Focus on the future/long-term

My daughter wants to be an anesthesiologist, and I had to remind her that one bad grade (“bad” by her definition) won’t stop her from meeting her goals. She can still get into college, medical school, and residency. She will still be awesome at whatever she chooses to do. And even though this one class may be tough, the outcome of this class doesn’t define her.

Encourage your overachieving child to focus on the future, on his long-term goals. If this short-term struggle won’t affect him reaching those goals, then it’s not worth stressing over. Sometimes our kids need us to bring things into perspective.

Seek counseling

If your overachieving child is really struggling with the stress of school or life in general, don’t hesitate to reach out for help. So many of our young people are suffering from anxiety and depression, and other mental illnesses that really affect their entire lives. The National Library of Medicine has helpful Teen Mental Health resources. And a mental health professional can help your child to really just let it all out, and learn coping strategies for the things he’s going through.

Luckily, my daughter’s picked herself back up and life is coming back together. All she needed was a little motivation. She’s getting more balance in the rest of her life, and focusing on taking care of herself. And, as a result, her grade in this one stressful class has improved. Coincidence?! I think not!

If you’re raising an overachieving kid, know that I feel your pain. It’s an awesome feeling to know that your kid is exceling, but tough to know what to do when things aren’t going as expected. I hope this has helped! If you have any other tips for raising an overachieving kid, please leave them in the comments below!

If you’ve got a teen at home, here are a few more helpful posts:

Focusing On Your Teen’s Mental Health During COVID-19

We Have A Teen Suicide Crisis

Medical Concerns In Teens

My Best Advice To Moms Of Teens

And if you’re looking for a simple way to support your teen, download these printable “Love Notes For Kids” by filling out the box below. You’ll get 24 notes you can use to encourage your teen through this tough time. Your kids are never too old for you to show some love! You never know – just ONE little note can really make a difference.

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