I once heard a quote: “Having one child makes you a mom, having two children makes you a referee”. As a mom of five, I feel like a referee multiple times a day. I used to think only MY kids couldn’t stand each other. But I hear the same thing from most of the moms I come across. Kids will be kids no matter how hard we try. But, how can you make your household a little more peaceful? Our household definitely isn’t perfect, but I figured I’d share some tips for decreasing sibling rivalry.
Our family recently went to the University of Florida vs University of Miami football game. These two schools don’t play all that often, but have a rivalry that goes back decades. My husband is a huge UM fan, and I graduated from UF, making me naturally a Gator at heart. Our kids were split for the game, too. We were all civilized, but the “rivalry” of the game reminded me of “rivalries” in real life – especially sibling rivalry. Sometimes the players and fans get so wrapped up in the game and the tradition that they forget what the rivalry was about in the first place.
What causes sibling rivalry?
Sharing attention
Even before a new baby is born, your first child can start to develop sibling rivalry. With all of the preparation and excitement that comes with a new baby, your first child can start to feel some of their attention fade away. Then, when the new baby is born, things can get even worse! Even if you’ve perfected the art of splitting time between your children, each child’s time is still split! Children crave attention, and when they start to lose it, they resent whatever (or whoever) is taking that attention away.
Sharing things
Besides competing for your attention, your children also have to compete for things. That includes toys, games, computers, books, snacks, etc. In a house with multiple children, it’s hard for everyone to have their “own” of everything. A lot of things just have to be shared. But that sharing can lead to conflict and rivalry between siblings.
How can you combat sibling rivalry?
Involve your child
If you’re planning to add another child to your family, involve your first child as early as possible. No matter his age, there are ways to get him involved. Your child can help you shop for the new baby or decorate the baby’s room. Bring your child along with you to doctor’s visits if you can, to hear the baby’s heart beat. Let him rub your belly to feel the baby move and kick.
Once the baby is born, keep your child as involved as possible. Don’t make it seem like the baby is “off limits”. That can create the feeling that the baby is more “special”. Let him change a diaper or bring things to you for the baby. Involve your child in reading and singing to the baby, and helping to console or entertain the baby when needed. Spend time with your child separate from the baby as well. Be sure he knows that he’s still special and he still has mommy’s love and attention.
Individual quality time
To quell some of the issues surrounding attention, try to spend quality time with each of your children, individually, on a regular basis. This could mean having lunch with your child at school or picking one child up early from school before you get the others. If you need to run an errand, take just one child with you. Take an active role in each child’s extracurricular activities, or volunteer in their classroom at school. Spend time reading to your children and tucking them in individually at night.
I know this isn’t always possible, especially if you have 5 kids like me. But, try to find at least one special way that you can spend quality time with each of children on a regular basis. Your children crave that one-on-one attention, no matter how old they are. When they get it regularly, they don’t mind their siblings getting a piece of it, because they each know their time is coming around again.
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Show affection
Make a point to hug and kiss each of your children at least once everyday. That physical contact reminds them they’re still special to you. It really means a lot. Leave love notes for each of your children, even once a month. Leave them on their mirror, in their backpacks or lunchboxes. Remind your kids that you love them, they have unique qualities, and each play a special role in your family.
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Family time
Spend time together as a family. Whether it’s family dinner, going to church, the beach, game night, movie night, weekend trips, or summer vacations. Remind your kids that although they’re all special individuals, your family is still a unit (whether they like it or not). Sometimes you just have to force them to spend time together in order for them to learn to love it! I find that my kids get along the best when we’re all together, doing something they all enjoy.
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Discipline fairly
If your children are close in age, be sure to discipline each child the same way when they break a rule. I don’t expect a 4-year-old to be disciplined the same way as an 8-year-old. But, in general, be sure that none of your children are getting away with things they shouldn’t! Resentment really starts to build when a child feels they’re being treated unfairly.
In the same way, reward your children when they do the right thing. I’m a big believer in positive and negative reinforcement. You don’t have to give elaborate gifts each time. But, children appreciate even kind words of praise when they do something right. Make an extra effort to do this when your child is treating their sibling nicely, and you’ll hopefully get these positive behaviors to become a regular thing in your home.
Don’t show favoritism
We all may naturally have one child that we favor. Many moms don’t want to admit it, but it’s so true. It may be your easy-going child, who does well in school, does their chores, and doesn’t give you any grief. They may not be a perfect child, but at least a little “easier” than the rest. Though you may feel that way, don’t let that favoritism show. Remember, your children crave your attention. If they feel one sibling is “favored”, they’ll really start to resent him. Find the good in each of your children and praise them for it when they deserve it. Try to treat them all the same, in spite of their flaws.
Teach your children
From the moment they can understand, teach your children how to share, take turns, and to use their manners. This isn’t just important for them to demonstrate outside the home. It’s so important to practice at home, too! When they have a disagreement, teach them how to work things out in a civil way. Eventually, once you’ve coached them a few times, let them figure out their conflicts on their own.
Set an example
Children naturally become a product of their environment. So, it’s best to create an environment that you want your child to learn from. If you want your children to learn to get along, then limit arguments in front of them, especially with your spouse. If you do have a disagreement, fight fair. Show your kids how to talk things out and come to an agreement or compromise in a mature way. I don’t expect your house to be conflict-free, but your kids can learn a lot by watching your example of productive conflict-resolution.
I’ll be honest, sibling rivalry isn’t an easy thing to deal with! No matter what you do sometimes, your kids may still argue and fight. But, they’ll still (hopefully) have awesome times together, and shared memories that they’ll talk about as they get older. We just have to get past the minor daily fights and force them to see that deep down they really do love each other! I hope these tips for decreasing sibling rivalry help to make your house just a little more peaceful!
do you have any other tips for decreasing sibling rivalry? Share them in the comments below!
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