Let’s get real for a minute. Kids nowadays are very different than we were just a few decades ago. I don’t know if it’s the internet, kids growing up too fast, parents being too lenient. Or maybe it’s all of the above. Over the years, I’ve talked to a lot of parents with concerns about their child’s behavior. And these bad behaviors seem to be getting more common every day. Sometimes the behaviors are so out of control that they just bring down the mood in the whole house. Are you one of these moms? Is your kid running your house?

Let’s take one kid for example. I’ll call him Timmy. He’s 4 years old. He’s playing with his toys at home. His mom gave him a 5-minute warning before it was time to clean up and eat dinner. Five minutes pass, and mom tells him it’s time for dinner. He starts throwing a full-on tantrum, throwing himself on the ground. He then gets up and runs towards mom, trying to hit, kick, and bite her. He’s whining and acting like a straight 2-year-old because he doesn’t want to clean up. Mom freezes because she has no idea what to do.

She offers him a tablet. She offers extra playtime after dinner. He still resists. So, she lets him continue to play with his toys, and delays dinner time. The same thing repeats itself each time she tells him its time to clean up. She eventually gives up and waits for him to be done with playing and to decide he’s ready to eat.

What’s wrong with this scenario?

Who’s really in charge?

Oddly enough, if you talk to Timmy’s preschool teacher, she’ll tell you that he’s a model student. He never throws a tantrum at school. He always uses his words. No kicking, hitting, or biting. He cleans up when its time to clean up. He follows the rules at school (most of the time)

So what’s the problem?

I see and hear stories like this all the time. It can be hard to convince parents that the child is only a part of the problem. Most of the time, it’s a parenting problem that can be fixed. But the first step is to recognize it.

Why should we care?

Undisciplined toddlers become obnoxious children who grow into spoiled teenagers and entitled adults.

Nicola Kraus

These kids are the future leaders of our country and world. We have to remember that we’re shaping the future. It won’t be so bright if we don’t make discipline a priority.

Is your kid running your house? If this sounds even a little like you or your kids, here are a few tips for addressing behavior problems:

Remember that you’re in control

From the very beginning, you have to make it clear to your kids that you’re in control. You have to first start by convincing YOURSELF that you are. You absolutely have the ability to change your kids’ behaviors. But, it starts with YOU. Don’t be afraid to set rules, and to enforce them. Kids need structure and discipline. This is exactly why they, many times, behave better at school than they do at home. Decide what you want the tone to be in your house, and work towards that.

Of course, not every little thing needs to be disciplined. But, some things are non-negotiable. If your child absolutely needs a test or procedure done in the doctor’s office, they don’t decide whether or not it gets done. Don’t ask your kid if they want to get their flu shot. Don’t ask them if they’ll let us swab their throat for a strep test. Taking a bath? Brushing their teeth? No choice in that matter. It’s OK to give options on certain things, allowing your child to decide between 2-3 different choices. But his choices are limited only to what you allow.

He doesn’t run the show. You do.

Start early

Discipline can (and should) start at a young age. As early as 18-24 months. Your child can understand “no” pretty quickly. Once he starts to understand right from wrong, it’s important to start enforcing the rules. The earlier the better. It’s easier to shape behaviors from a “clean slate” instead of trying to correct things later on.

Lay out the ground rules

Make sure your rules and expectations for behavior are clear to your child. That way, he knows if he’s broken a rule. Also, make the consequences clear so that he knows what to expect if a rule is broken. (“If you do this, then this is what will happen”).

Discipline as a team

Everyone involved in the care of your child should be on the same page when it comes to rules and discipline. Your kid shouldn’t be allowed to get away with certain things, depending on who’s around.

Discipline ASAP

Especially if your child is young. It’s harder for a 2-year-old to make the connection between bad behavior and a consequence if the consequence happens hours later.

Discipline based on the child

Every kid in your home may not need the same type of consequence for bad behavior. What works for one kid doesn’t always work for the next. Figure out what works to shape each child’s behavior – and do it.

Ask about school

If your child has a hard time controlling his behavior at home, school, and just about everywhere he goes – there likely is a true behavior problem. If you’re only noticing bad behavior at home, then it may very well be a parenting problem. So, stay in touch with your child’s teachers. Sometimes we, as parents, can learn a lot from the teachers who effortlessly manage a classroom of 15-20 kids on a daily basis.

Don’t feel bad

I get it. As a working mom, you may only have a few hours at home with your child awake. You don’t want him to spend that entire time getting in trouble or in timeout. But you’re doing a disservice to your child (and to humanity, their future boss, spouse, etc) if you ignore bad behavior. The reality is that if your child made a choice to do the wrong thing, he needs to learn that there’s a consequence for that choice. It’s hard not to feel bad, but know that it’s for the better. The more consistent you are, the sooner those bad behaviors will change. And the sooner you’ll have happier days with your kid. Stick to it.

Don’t ignore bad behaviors

And don’t try to laugh them off. I know it can be exhausting to address bad behaviors all the time. Many times, I just want to ignore it, pretend like it didn’t happen, and just move on with my day. A lot of times it’s easier to just give in and give your kids what they want, in spite of their bad behaviors. But, again, it only creates bigger problems down the line, teaching kids they can do whatever they want – especially when mommy is tired.

Don’t make empty promises

This, I see WAY too often. If your child acts up, please don’t threaten to cancel their birthday party or your family vacation if you really aren’t going to do it. If you constantly make empty promises, your child will know that he can get away with anything and continue to push his limits. Instead, be realistic. Pick a consequence you’ll truly follow through on – and do it.

Pay attention to their needs

Many kids can be well-behaved until one of their basic needs isn’t being met. If you find that your kid misbehaves when he’s hungry or tired, try your best to not let him get to that point. Sometimes being overwhelmed or over-stimulated can also stress a kid out and cause him to act out. Pay attention to the timing of your child’s bad behavior. Do what you can to stop the meltdowns before they even start.

Reward good behaviors

I’m a firm believer in positive reinforcement. Yes, we need to address bad behaviors because we don’t want them to get out of hand. But, good behaviors should also be rewarded. This can vary, depending on your child’s personality. Even a little praise or one-on-one time can make a huge difference in reinforcing good behaviors that you want to see more of.

Seek counseling

If you’re having a hard time with discipline, and you feel your child is getting out of control, don’t be ashamed to ask for help. There could possibly be an underlying diagnosis, like ADHD or a conduct disorder. Or it could be a parenting problem.

Misbehaving kids can really strain a family, affect the peace at home, and take attention away from other kids who really deserve it. Seek out counseling or therapy for your child (and/or the family). Just a few sessions with a professional can really make a big difference for your sanity.

Is your kid running your house?

As a busy working mom, you should WANT to come home to your kids every day, right? Because you spend so much time away from them during the daytime, you should miss them and be excited when you’re able to reunite at the end of the day. But, if your child’s behavior makes you want to leave him at school or daycare, or want to just curl up and go to bed when you get home, then it’s time to do something about it. It’s time for us to get a handle on our kids before it’s too late.

Other helpful resources related to “Is your kid running your house?”:

• Getting Rid of Your Kids’ Tantrums and Bad Habits
• How To Be More Patient With Your Kids
• I Think My Toddler’s Out To Get Me

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